Forgiving Is A Hard Thing To Do

What do you mean when you say, “Forgiving is the hardest thing to do?” You might answer this with, “I can forgive anyone, anytime, of anything!” But can you? Do you forgive in your heart the egregious wrongs done to you? Wrongs so deep they seep to the surface each time that person’s name is mentioned, or that incident is brought up in conversation? There is a popular phrase going around that says, “Forgive, but don’t forget!” What? “Forgive, but don’t forget,” if this is a truism, did we really forgive? I don’t think so.

Allow me to take you on a personal journey in my memory. About 40 years ago I was a young man with great aspirations in college studying political science to become an attorney and perhaps a politician. Along those lines, being from a lower middle class family, whose hourly blue collar worker step-dad and a clerical employee mother with a combined income as measured in today’s dollars of less than $45,000 in their best year, I needed to work in order to afford to go to college.

Now, for a “lazy bum” as my step-dad would call me from time-to-time, (and I guess he was right) this was a real challenge. I worked 30 hours a week during the school year at a supermarket stocking shelves, bagging groceries, or operating the register. When school was not in session and over the summer months, I worked construction operating a backhoe, front loader and a bulldozer. On the weekends, even when school was in session I worked at a local corner gas station. So as you can see, for a self-admitted “lazy bum” I had a fire within me to end up financially better than my parents and as the youngest in my family, to be at least equal to my siblings. I did this for four years.

One day while working construction, the owner of the development said he wanted to burn a pile of trees and shrubs that had been cleared from the land. He asked if I had a can that he could get some diesel fuel or kerosene in and went off to get this “starter” to burn the pile of cuttings. Now, let me say that this pile of cuttings was at least 20-25 feet in diameter and about as high as a one story building. In those days, I smoked cigarettes, so after about three hours of operating a diesel backhoe with those fumes filling my nostrils and smoking several cigarettes, my sense of smell was pretty dull.

This fellow returned with what I thought was kerosene or diesel fuel, both non-explosive liquids, but instead had brought 5 gallons of gasoline. He asked if I would douse the pile and being a good employee I said that I would and proceeded to put this fluid all over the stack as high as I could toss it. He then said for me to get up into the stack and get the upper part, too. Again being obedient, I did. What I did not know was, earlier in the morning he had asked some laborers to try to light this stack and some embers from their effort where still glowing hot. As much as I can recall I tossed two, maybe three splashes when suddenly I was being encircled by flames followed by an explosion. I cannot recall anything else clearly until I was in the emergency room at the local hospital. From witnesses’ accounts, once again in my life, the Lord was with me even though I had turned my back to Him. The explosion sent me flying through the flames into the air about 50-60 feet then up against the second story wall of the closest apartment building in this complex. Being 21 years old at the time, I did not sustain any broken bones, just a lot of serious bumps and bruises, and also first, second, and a few third degree burns over my body.

Not once did that man inquire as to my condition that I know of; he never visited me and the next time I saw him some 2 months later he acted as if nothing had happened. He never said, “Hey Gary, I’m really sorry about that incident”, or anything else acknowledging that event. I hated him! I wished him dead! And I carried that in my heart for years – 30 years at that. I would tell people that so-and-so better not cross the street in front of my car! The hurt, pain and hatred burned deep into my psyche.

About 12 years ago, I re-committed my life to the Lord thanks in great part to my wonderful wife, Joann. I said at the time that, as the Lord’s Prayer says, “Forgive us our transgressions as we forgive those who transgress against us.” I, in my conscious mind forgave everyone who had “wronged” me. The professors who I felt gave me lower grades than deserved, to those who had beat me out in business dealings, to this man who almost killed me and didn’t care. But did I really forgive him? Not really. I carried that grudge for another couple of years until speaking with a pastor friend of mine and he simply asked that I pray for that man – not a lecture on how I should forgive him. This sounded totally wrong and begrudgingly at first, I began to mention Howard in my prayers and found over time I was praying for the salvation of his soul. I also found that I no longer hated him, but felt compassion for him – and even mourned when I read of his death about a year ago.

The moral of this confession is that we do not have to forgive and forget those who have wronged us, just pray for them. You will find as I did that by just mentioning them in your prayers, over time your “hurt” will go away and you will feel an “un-natural” compassion for them. You will also discover that you are praying for them, not just mentioning them in your daily prayers – and praying for their well-being, not their harm.

An analogy I have heard time-and-time again is that hard feelings and hatred is like you taking poison and hoping the other person will die. But by praying for them you will discover that you no longer hate that person, nor hold any grudge against them no matter what they’ve done. So do not “forgive and forget”, pray for them and let the Lord turn your heart and wipe you thoughts clean of the hurt you suffered. As I write, I am reminded of the Hymn “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth, will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”